Redeeming Letters
by Strawberry.Sunshine15
Summary: Hollie didn’t know Nick’s true feelings until her boyfriend reveals some home truths in 2 letters. They both do something they regret & as time passes Nick tries to get close to her. She can’t seem to choose between her heart & head; between Nick & Dougie
1. Mysterious Letters

"Why wasn't I contacted sooner?!" I screeched at the receptionist, as the tears began to blur my vision. "I'm his freakin' girlfriend!" I continued. She looked at me sincerely before looking through the computer records.  
It took a few minutes of my impatient whines before she finally told me the ward.

Intensive care. Worse than I'd anticipated.

It didn't take long to sprint through the winding corridors and stairways - impatience and being on the track team last year helped – as I dodged and swerved past the blurry blobs, also known as people.  
My vision was so impaired due to my tear ducts that I didn't even realise his best friend was sat outside of the room, until I felt his arms tight around me.

He was hugging me; also restraining me from bursting inside to him. I was tempted to just cry into his chest, but I couldn't. I just had to get in to see my dying boyfriend. Before it was too late.

"Let me go. Let me see him." I grumbled as I tried to pull away from his grip; he was stronger than me by miles, so I was unsuccessful.  
"You can't love, the doctor's in there with him..." was his hushed reply. I didn't attempt to argue, I just looked over his shoulder and through the window Sure enough the doctor was in there with Dougie, and writing notes down.  
"What happened? What's going to happen...?" I whispered, still watching intently over his shoulder.

He didn't answer straight away, but I heard him gulp a couple of times beforehand.  
"Tell me now Jonas, before I rip your precious little bollocks off and shove 'em up your ass!"  
He looked down at me behind the couple of loose brown curls covering his eyes, and sighed briefly. "Hollie, Doug tried killing himself by overdose. H-He told me earlier, before I found him, that he had recently been diagnosed with c-c-cancer and that it was too late for him. It was going to k-kill him. When I got to his place, he had no pulse, and there were bottles everywhere: drugs and alcohol..."  
He couldn't even continue, as he was quietly sobbing by now; then the last thing I ever wanted to hear in a hospital rang in my ears.

One long, continuous beep coming from inside Dougie's room.

It was becoming too late.

"No, Dougie... NOOOO!!!" I screamed. Many other Nurses and Doctors rushed into the room. However much I tried to run after them though, I couldn't. I was still in his strong grip, his muscular arms still wrapped around me. Hugging me; Once again restraining me. "They have to save him! Tell them to save him!"

He still didn't answer verbally; he just squeezed me tighter to stop me fighting him off. I was still watching over his shoulder at the commotion going on in the room. However my eyes clamped shut as the defibrillators were brought out, and I hid my face into his shoulder as I trembled at the shocking noise.  
And it was then that my world came crashing down around me.  
The silence ripped though the atmosphere, and when I looked up, I knew exactly what had happened.

"Time of death-" The doctor sighed as he checked his watch "23:52pm"  
Dougie didn't even reach the New Year.

As soon as his best friend stepped back from me in shock, I felt my legs buckle under me. The pain in my knees and back was nothing compared to the pain and emptiness of my heart now. So I sat on my knees, and let myself become blind from the hysterical tears now making their escape down my cheeks.  
"H-he can't be... be..."

I couldn't even say the four letter word. I couldn't even hear the voice of the doctor as he came to explain to me. All I could hear was the continuous beep still ringing in my ears, despite the machine being turned off now. I was broken. So was he as he slumped down next to me. He tried to hug me again, but I flinched away from his touch.

I was numb.  
I was broken.  
I was lost.  
And I was bewildered at the last sentence the doctor told us:  
"These letters were found in his pockets when he was admitted here, I presume they're addressed to you two, Miss, Sir."  
Sure enough, there were 2 enveloped letters, one addressed to me and the other to him, with clear letters on the outside:  
"_Not to be opened until after my funeral.  
Not before, not days later.  
As soon as the day ends. _

_Dougie XXX_"

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Well, this is my first story I've written that I've decided to actually post,  
so feedback is always welcome! :)  
Ooh and I wonna thanks to Becka just quickly  
1 - cuz she's awesome (BBFLCWICTCM!!)  
and 2 - she was the first person to ever read this chapter so thankies!!  
So yeah.... thanks for reading,  
Soph :D xx**


	2. A Helping Shoulder

Redeeming Letters –

Chapter 2:

**Well, I forgot to change Nick's last name, to comply with the rules & whatnot,  
So instead of Nick Jonas, it's now Nick Gray (Camp rock last name :P)  
Also, I don't own anyone, other than the characters from my imagination!  
Oh and i apologise for any crappyness of this chapter  
It's kind of a filler chap... so yeah and it's pretty long-ish!  
Reviews? :)  
Pretty please with chocolate milk on top!  
*wide grin*  
xx**

_-A week later - _

Whilst the priest spoke the last words of the funeral sermon as the coffin lowered into the ground, Hollie stood perfectly still. She could hear everyone crying – his mother and his sister especially.

Except for her.

Inside, she wanted to sob hysterically too until it hurt; she just... couldn't. She'd been crying all week when she was alone, and when she really needed it, she had no tears left, apart from the last two rolling excruciatingly slow down her red cheeks now.

As she turned to her right, Hollie hugged Dougie's trembling sister tightly. However when she glanced over Jazzie's quivering shoulder she noticed Nick Gray – Dougie's best friend – with his head hung low, as he discreetly wiped away his own stray tears. And she remembered about the letters:

"_Not to be opened until after my funeral.  
Not before, not days later.  
As soon as the day ends..."  
_

Even thinking about the letter couldn't start Hollie's tears; however a small sob did creep up her throat as her, Jazzie, Dougie's mother and Nick were the only ones who remained in front of the grave. The other relatives and every other person has left, leaving them 4 to grieve in peace.

Hollie and Nick hasn't spoken about the sacred envelopes since the funeral, deciding not to involve any one else unless completely necessary. Well, they hadn't spoken _at all_ since that night.

She didn't know if he's opened his letter yet, and vice versa.  
They hardly got on when Dougie was alive – petty fights in the school corridors were fairly often – and his death just drifted them further apart.  
Nevertheless he kept throwing quick glances at her now and again, hating to see her hurt but also hating that she was trying not to show it.

It's just _not_ normal. By anyone's standards.

When Dougie and Hollie first got together, Nick was the one trying to help Dougie to not get distracted by other girls; everyone knew of Dougie's promiscuous past, and the sluts of the school still tried to tempt him.  
Yet Nick helped his best friend and - without her knowing – also her from getting heartbroken. Until now. And he felt it was his entire fault.

He hadn't known Dougie was ill.  
He hadn't gotten to him quick enough.  
He hadn't been able to help him.  
He felt responsible.

So for the whole day they avoided each other as best as they could; staying at opposite ends of the room, or even in completely different rooms. Except when people started disappearing, it became harder and harder to do so.  
Every time Hollie tried to leave the room, she was called back by Jazzie; every time Nick tried, one of Dougie's other friends would distract him.

It was a situation where neither of them could win.

All of it was only due to the mysterious letters though. And in the end Nick just gave up, following after Hollie as he saw her headed onto the apartment's balcony.

"How are you coping?" he whispered after a minute, whilst mirroring her leaning position on the rail.  
She turned and looked at him for a second, debating in what to say in her mind, before looking forward again.

"Honestly, better than I thought I would." she sighed " I thought I would have broken down or something by now but I... I can't..."

He turned his head to his left, and saw the glistening tear slowly sliding down her silhouetted face. She was aware of him looking of her; she kept her gaze forward into the distance, and let the tear fall.

"I feel kinda empty, but I can't breakdown. Not like a normal person. I-I have no idea why Nick."  
As she stuttered the last words, she slowly turned to her right, and met his gaze properly for the first time.

"I think you just need a shoulder to help. Don't keep it bottled up love." He whispered, holding his arms open as a hint. She turned, and then looked back at him again; instead of looking away again, he stepped into his arms.

It was then that she finally broke down.

Everything she's kept bottled up, all the tears, all the sadness, came gushing out as she sobbed into his shoulder. All he did was listened and reassured.

He had never known why he was so protective of her when she was with Dougie. However at that moment, it hit him like a tonne of bricks. The truth finally clicked in his head; she was still oblivious and mourning, unaware of the conclusion that chilled him to the bone.


	3. Start With Him, End With Him

Redeeming Letters –

Chapter 3:

**Long time, no update huh?  
I guess I got caught up with my other story  
which led me to abandon the updates for this!  
Ah well, here we go! :)**

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

As I lay on my bed, on my back on my bed, the letter was resting on my stomach as I quickly glanced at the clock on my bedside table: **11.55pm**.  
I had 5 minutes left.  
But as I sat up cross legged and placed the letter in front of me, my phone buzzed gently from the table top.

_'1 unread message'_  
I reluctantly opened the unopened message and what a surprise, it was Nick. I'd had a dozen similar texts in the last half an hour.  
_"Holly, seriously have u opened it yet??  
I won't open mine until u have.  
Just... lemme know, yeah? N. X"_

All the other texts had gone unanswered and deleted – I didn't exactly feel like texting – although subconsciously I'd already pressed the reply button:

_"As soon as the day ends it said, so midnight.  
Open yours then too. H."_

And I pressed send straight away before I could talk myself out of it.  
"11:58. 2 minutes left..." I sighed loudly, speaking to no one in particular before sighing again. Not that anyone other than my shadow would be listening anyway.  
I sat staring at the envelope for about 10 seconds before I gave in, and ripped the damn thing open. I'm sure 2 minutes wouldn't hurt though...

I paused once the letter was unveiled, and debated with myself for a further 10 seconds, as it lay open and in front of me. Those 10 seconds rushed by though, and I grabbed it once more.

When I saw the all-too-familiar handwriting, I couldn't fight the sob that rose from my throat; I noticed the handwriting was shakier than I ever remember it being.  
Obviously rushed.  
As I tried to fight another sob from escaping again, I forced myself to read the last and precious letter even further.

_**"Beloved Hollie,  
I know you probably hate me now for putting you and everyone else through this hell. And before you think 'Oh I would never hate you Dougie...' etc. Don't. I wouldn't blame you for hating me. I hate myself. I do have my reasons though, my love.  
I already knew I was dying (I know Nick will have told you already, as it's what he would do)so I just wanted it to end, rather than drag on.**_

I didn't want to start the New Year with you, if I knew I wasn't going to be able to end the year with you also.

I know you will be able to be happy with someone again, as I know someone who cares deeply for you my love. He has for a couple of years now, and you probably already spent the start of 2009 with him; I know he loves you as much – possibly more – as I do. And I _**will**__** have given my blessing to you both for when it happens. And I know it will. I'll make sure of it. Because I'll be watching. You may not be able to see or hear my voice anymore, but I'll always be watching over you. Just like your guardian angel, okay?  
(Don't you dare argue like you normally would, because you know I'll do it anyway...)**_

Now go my darling, go speak to him. I'll always love you more than anything in the world - more than you could ever imagine - and you return that love also, but you need to move on and stop dwelling on what's happened. You know I'll always be there, in your heart and looking over you, so don't make any mistakes, my love. You started 2009 with someone who deserves your love: end 2009 with him too.

Be happy my darling. Please be happy again.  
I love you, forever and always.  
Dougie... xxxx

Oh and P.S, if you haven't figured it yet, it's Nicholas. It always has, and always will, so speak to him."  
  
As I re-read the letter over and over again, it began to finally sink in what the words said. And as I thought about it more, the less I tried to hide the sobs and tears from escaping, until I just gave in altogether.

By the time I'd finished reading it for the 12th time, the sound of pebbles at my window made me jump and shake; my shoulder and cheek suddenly went cold and the feeling of someone kissing my cheek softly relaxed me a little.

Except there was no one visibly there.

I may not have been able to see him, but I knew it was him. My Dougie was watching over me, as he said he would. This made me smile slightly for a second, before heading for the window. I placed the letter in my hoody pocket on the way. It was no surprise to me that Nick stood below, his opened letter in one hand and pebbles in the other.

"Y-you opened yours t-too, huh?" I shouted quietly. He just nodded in response. "I s-should let you in t-then..." I said before closing the window, and heading downstairs. I took a deep breath when I reached the front door, and stood staring at it for a second.  
"I can do this. I can..." I told myself.  
I took another deep breath, before reaching for the door handle. Twisting it open, I revealed a tear-faced Nick, waiting on the doorstep.

"It's a g-good job my parents are out of t-town. Dad would k-kill you for c-coming over this late." I whispered, whilst he wiped his tear-stained cheeks; I heard him chuckle slightly as he went into the lounge.

I don't have a single clue about what may be written in Nick's letter yet, but if it's about the same thing mine was, this was going to be exceedingly awkward...

**-------------------------------------------------**

**Hmm, I'm supposed to be doing my history coursework right now, (Which Stacey & Danni will now, i'm getting behind with it).  
but instead, i'm updating this!  
if i fail history now, i know who to blame....  
*shift looks*  
anyways, i'll update Anarchy at Aberglaslyn sonly too  
i'll ****hopefully**** finish my coursework in about an hour or so then get on with it!  
:D  
LOVES! :)  
Oooh and.......**

**GASOHOL!!! *cracks up laughing* XD ****(hehe inside joke)**


	4. Don't Be Ashamed

**Okay, so I lied.  
I didn't quite post this on the same night of Aberglaslyn update  
Ah well....  
Anyways, if I remember right, this is a sad-ish chapter  
I did write it a while ago though, so I'm not too sure until I've finished typing!  
Oh, and I've put up some pictures on my profile - something I made for the story, the characters and the apartment (: (it took me forever to make the first one!)  
Reviews and whatnot?  
Loves xx**

Redeeming Letters  
Chapter 4: Don't Be Ashamed...

"Sooo, what did yours say?" Nick asked me as we both sat on the sofa, in the middle of the lounge. I didn't answer him verbally; I pulled the precious letter out of my hoody pocket and placed it into his hands.

I watched him nervously, whilst he read over the handwritten piece of treasure, watching his expression as I also tried to figure out how he could, and would, react.  
"...He knew all along... huh..." I barely heard him mutter – more to himself rather than to me – after a couple of minutes in more silence.

All I could do was sit.  
And stare.  
And hope that he would elaborate and answer the questions currently running through my mind.

He looked cautiously at me from under the brunette curls hovering slightly over his eyes, and must have seen the confusion on my face; he didn't have chance to do anything about it.  
"Is Do..._He_ correct?" I asked immediately, getting more and more nervous as he contemplated his response. However he just rose from his seat, and made his way towards the front door again.

"Erm, what the hell?!" I shouted after him, also rising from my seat and sprinting towards the hallway too. "Are you always this fucking rude, just storming out of people's fucking houses?!" _  
_He slowly turned around; didn't look up at me. Instead he looked straight down at the floor.  
_Ugh I hate it when people are this rude.  
_"Just come with me Hollie." Was his whispered response.  
"Oh hell no!" I snapped "Tell me what the hell's wrong with you god damnit!"  
"Hollie, I really need to show you something."  
I just stood on the spot, my arms crossed and staring at him sceptically.  
"Oh for fuck's sake! It's to do with my fucking letter from Dougie! Now come on!!"

Reluctantly, I grabbed my Vans and hopped around trying to put them on, as Nick tapped his foot impatiently.  
"You could have just told me. No need to start PMS-ing about it..." I muttered to myself; so that he could just hear. I heard him growl at me under his breath.  
"Oh shut it Nicholas. You're acting like the queen bee of PMS. Seriously..." HE scowled again at me as he headed for the driver's seat. I smirked back as I got in, ignoring the slight growl coming from him again.

From then on the car journey was silent, apart from the slight humming of the radio and engine combined in the background.  
_"This isn't awkward at all..."_ I thought to myself whilst staring absentmindedly out of the window. However it was the sound of the engine cutting that woke me up with a slight jump.

"Erm, I-I'm sorry Hollie..." Nick whispered "For being a, er, jerk earlier I mean.

I just stared at him in shock. He was actually apologising?  
It took me about a minute to think of what to say, an even then it was only a feeble reply.  
"N-Nick, don't worry about it. I shouldn't have snapped at you."  
I tried to sound reassuring; it lead to a slightly more awkward silence.  
"Erm, anyway, c'mon." Nick piped up suddenly, before calmly getting out of the car.

He didn't even come round to open my door.  
The bastard.

I took a deep breath, before getting the courage to follow his lead; I took my time opening the door. I realised immediately that I didn't recognise where I was. It was somewhere unfamiliar, which frightened me a little to tell the truth, considering it is gone midnight. However my confusion grew more and more as I watched him pull out a set of keys. I hadn't even noticed that we had come to the door of the unfamiliar apartment.

"This was supposed to be a gift for your birthday."

My head shot up – giving me slight whiplash – at the sound of his guttural voice, and I watched intently as he slowly opened the door and revealed the magnificent surprise. The decor was just like the dream apartment I'd described to Dou... to _**him**_: everything was mainly red and white.

"Did Dougie...?" I gasped. It was the first time I'd said _his_ name out loud since he died, and I felt a stabbing sensation in my heart immediately. Nick must have known what I was asking and nodded straight away.  
"Wow..." I muttered more to myself - still wincing at the pain - as I spun slowly to look at my surroundings.  
"I know, and to think he's left it to us..."

I stopped suddenly, only moving to face him at the side of the room.  
"Ahem, what do you mean by '_us'_?!" I asked with a bewildered edge to my voice.  
"Yep, me and you Hollie. A kind of 'parting gift' as he put it in my letter."

I still looked confused, whilst he handed me half of his letter – it was the last part of his letter with a P.S on.  
Sure enough, he was right.  
I was even more confused though by the fact he only handed me half of the letter.  
"I'll show you the rest of the letter in time. I can't yet though." He spoke up, answering the question in my head. I just nodded slightly and returned to my inspection of the apartment.

A few minutes later though, and I stopped again. By this point, Nick was rooting around the kitchen, so I cautiously walked through the white doors to join him.  
"Nothing edible?" I asked, jumping onto the surface top as I spoke.

His head emerged from one of the many red cupboards as he shook his head no.  
"Y'know, Nick?" I began. He swiftly turned and leant against the surface opposite me "You never answered my question earlier, before we came here."  
"Huh what?" He asked by shyly.  
"Before you tried storming off, I asked you a question which you didn't give me an answer to: Was _He_ correct, in my letter?"  
I observed him as he only looked down at his lap. He was taking deep breaths which also worried me; I was also trying to keep myself and my voice calm.  
"Maybe Hollie, maybe..." he eventually whispered, which I barely heard despite it being silent in here.

He looked directly at me again as he continued to answer.

"The only way I can describe it, is to think of me like Jacob Black in the book New Moon – I know you've read it countless times. All he ever wanted was for Bella to love him more than her best friend; instead she loved Edward Cullen unconditionally. No matter what he tried, whatever he said, she went back to Edward. Her heart belonged to Edward and not to him."

"But then Jacob fell in love with their daughter in the last book..." I interrupted.  
"I've not read the last one yet. He loved Bella in the others though." He answered back with a slight smirk. However I just nodded and looked away from him.  
"So the reason you stayed away when I was with..._him_... was actually because you-"  
"-was jealous?" He cut in "Yes. I'm ashamed to say it, but I was. I couldn't help it."  
My head snapped back to his face – great, more whiplash – at the sound of those words; I knew he was genuine from the painful emotion in his eyes.

He was confessing everything to me, everything that he had kept a secret for nearly possibly 10 years now.

Eventually, I took a deep breath to steady myself, before cautiously climbing down from the surface top. I'd decided to let my heart take charge of my actions, just for once.  
The next thing I knew I was stood directly in front of Nick, and I placed my right hand on his left cheek.

I expected him to flinch away from me, away from my touch; he didn't. He just let his eyes linger on mine, gazing into my own.  
We stood in that position for a while – our bodies and faces centimetres apart – until I moved my face closer so that my forehead rested on his. I could feel his breath on my face, ticking me – intoxicating me. His gaze never faltered, and neither did mine.

It was too late to back down now.

My hand still rested gently on his cheek, as I moved closer towards his ear. I definitely couldn't back down now. I took another deep breath, before I whispered the words he needed to hear.

"_You don't need to be ashamed Nicky, not anymore..._"


	5. Can't Have You

Chapter 5: Can't Have You...

**  
**"Don't be ashamed Nicky, not anymore."  
Hollie whispered, with her breath tickling my ear and making the small hairs on my neck stand on end. I'd always dreamed of having her this close to me – within touching or kissing distance – yet I never thought it would happen now.

I could hear my brain screaming at me: _"Just kiss her dude! Close the god damn gap already!"_  
My heart was going into overdrive, and I'm sure she must have been able to hear it herself: "_Bu-boom, bu-boom, bu-boom, bu-boom, bu-boom!"_  
I-I couldn't move. I hate to admit it, but I was unable to actually do anything, physically or mentally. However she seemed to get the wrong impression, as she started to pull away from me, making the gap bigger and bigger.

"I'm so sorry Nick, I-I-I shouldn't have... not ready..." she began mumbling and stuttering. I sighed.  
"No I'm sorry Hollie." I whispered in return, as she rested her elbows on top of the kitchen surface and covered her eyes. She slowly shook her head as she uncovered her eyes again and turned to me.  
"I shouldn't have even hinted for....y'know. It's been less than 24 hours since Dou-"  
Before she had chance to finish, I decided to grow a pair and attach my lips to hers.

Sure, she was certainly shocked for a bit; when I was about to pull away in defeat, as she hadn't moved, she finally came to life. Her lips began moving in harmony with my own. TO be totally honest, it was much better than I could have ever dreamed of.

What did surprise me though was when her back collided with the surface on the other side of the kitchen. I hadn't even realised we were moving, or the actual intensity between the two of us until that very moment. My hands were underneath her top and on her hips, slowly rising up as I brought her shirt up with them. Within a split second, she'd pulled my own shirt over my head, breaking apart for barely a few seconds to breathe.

Neither of us could resist.

Neither of us was gentle either, as pieces of clothing were clumsily shed and scattered around the kitchen. Our lips collided again, whilst various things on the worktops were also knocked over or thrown to the floor in the heat of the moment.

After a few minutes, I broke apart from the, er, currently desperate kiss and looked straight into her green eyes. They were obviously clouded over a little with lust, as were mine, but she could see what I was silently asking her.  
She nodded in approval.  
And that was all I needed.  
I lifted her up so her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist, as I kissed below her jaw line.

"Hold... on... tight...spider monkey..." I muttered in between kisses, before heading for the bedroom.

*******

_**4:07am. **_  
The numbers glowed in a painfully bright red on the alarm clock.  
It was just a little over 4 hours since the letters had been opened.

Just over 4 hours and yet here I am, with a naked Hollie sound asleep on my chest and in bed. A part of me felt guilty, like I'd taken advantage of the situation; the other part of me was pretty happy, as this is what I've dreamed of for so long.  
It all felt like a dream, except I wasn't asleep.  
I couldn't sleep.  
Simply couldn't.  
A part of my brain refused to just shut off, telling me I'd made a huge mistake and I'd taken advantage. It hadn't seemed wrong at the time, but looking back now, it finally sank in:

My best friend was buried less than 24 hours ago, and I've just bedded his grieving girlfriend.

Yet I've loved her since I set my eyes on her over 10 years ago; it just took me this long to realise. Except I know I'm just going to get my heart shattered in the morning – well, later really – when she realises what has happened. And this makes me regret it too.

But also, thinking of all this wasn't exactly helping with my sleep dilemma; I didn't want to fall asleep to be completely honest. I turned my head to my left, and watched her in her peaceful slumber for a few seconds.  
A small smile twitched at the corners of her lips, whilst I ran my fingers lightly through her blonde tresses. And as I memorised this moment, this picture, I sang gently to myself:  
_  
"I don't wanna fall asleep,  
I don't know if I'll get up,  
I don't wanna cause a scene,  
But I'm dyin' without your love.  
Begging to hear your voice,  
Tell me you love me too,  
'Cause I'd rather just be alone,  
If I know that I can't... have... you..."_


	6. Grandpa Knows

Chapter 6 – Grandpa Knows...!

"Oh crap, crap, crap!"

That's all I could say out loud as I rushed around frantically looking for my clothes.

What.

The.

Hell.

Have.

I.

_**Done?!?!**_  
I had to get out of here now.

I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could, but being my clumsy self, it was certainly a difficult task. But when it came to writing a note to leave behind, I froze on the spot. Sure, I couldn't just leave him in bed like this; I'd crack so hard if I saw his face when I told him this was a mistake.  
"This is for the best..." I whispered repeatedly as I scribbled down the words for him, the words that I didn't have the guts to say face-to-face.  
And then with one last look over my shoulder, I walked out the door, pulling the hoody hood over my head.

The only problem was, when I walked out of the drive I realised we were in fact on the other side of town – I hadn't got a clue how to get back home... well my parent's home now I guess.

"This is going to be a looooooong walk home..."

_**Nick's POV:  
**_  
I hadn't even realised that I had fallen asleep; the sound of a closing door nearby jolted me awake. It's quite obvious ho it was.  
"I knew this would happen." I groaned to myself, whilst I yawned and rolled over. However my face collided with a piece of paper on top of the pillow next to me. She'd left a note. Now that I wasn't expecting.  
I immediately smoothed out the crumpled paper to see what excuse she had come up with, although I knew it would not be good...

_"Nick,  
I think you have an idea why I left, eh?  
I'm sorry, but what happened at the house shouldn't have done. It was obviously a mistake.  
I mean it was Dougie's funeral yesterday!  
My boyfriend was buried yesterday – your best friend was buried._

It just shouldn't have happened. At all. I admit, _I kinda__ I like you Nicky, but it's too soon for both of us. I need to think some things over in my head._

Once again, I'm sorry. I had to, please understand.  
Hollie X"  


"Huh! I wasn't expecting that." I started whispering to no one in particular. "So she left because she liked me? What the..."  
Before I finished, something hit me. Her house is the other side of town, and knowing her she already has or will get lost at some point on her way.  
Bollocks.  
I shot out of bed and began looking around for my clothes faster than a Quileute werewolf, in hope that I would be able to catch her up. And after successfully tracking down my clothing from the previous night, plus my car keys, I shout out the door in hot pursuit.

_Hopefully she hasn't got too far yet._

As I raced along the streets, even the sound of my favourite mix tape couldn't cheer me up. There was no chance of that today. However when I turned the next corner, I saw her. She could walk bloody fast if she got this far! I let out a breath which I hadn't realised I was holding, and as I drove slowly next to her, I rolled the window down.

_**Hollie's POV:  
**__  
_Had I noticed the car slowly following me?  
Yes.  
Was this what I was expecting?  
Maybe.  
Was this what I _wanted_ him to do?  
No.

So I carried on walking along the sidewalk, not even glancing at him or the car. That was pretty hard though, as the car is pretty hot, it must be said.  
"Hollie?"  
I felt something strange from within my chest, like my heart had skipped a beat as he spoke my name; I wasn't used to this reaction from anyone other than Dougie. Still, I carried on walking. _Damn I wish I had my iPod right now!  
_  
"Hollie," He repeated "get in the car."  
I shook my head, whilst still walking along. He carried on driving beside me.  
"C'mon, please?" This time I turned to look at him.  
"I said no."  
"You're being ridiculous." He glared "You don't even know your way around this part of town, let alone you're way back!"  
"I'll figure it out somehow" I shrugged, turning to look at him for the first time.  
"C'mon, just let me drive you home!"  
I just turned away from his pleading eyes, before I had chance to cave in to him.

Out of the blue, I somehow noticed an old guy in the distance who was looking at us weirdly – we obviously looked a tad suspicious.  
_Eureka!_  
With my head still facing forward, I looked back and forth between Nick and the old guy out of the corners of my eyes. Then I abruptly faced Nick and I erupted – with extra fake-exasperation.

"NO, I WILL NOT BE USING THE PINK FLUFFY HANDCUFFS WITH YOU AGAIN TONIGHT NICK! YOU SAID THE KINKY STUFF WAS FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY!"**  
**  
By now the old guy was gawping at us, his mouth hung open and everything, as he was only a few houses away. Nick however looked extremely confused... well, until he saw the guy looking shocked and disgusted; then he threw daggers in his glare as I smirked at his now bright red face. His car stopped abruptly too.  
"Are you going to get in or not?" He asked through clenched teeth.  
"Oh you can drive me home Nicky, but no more kinky sex!" I added to my earlier rant, just to annoy him even further. I briefly heard him growl at me whilst I walked around the front of the car and got in the passenger side.

He was certainly pissed off but it was worth it, I must admit that.

"I don't think that guy likes you Nicky" I said innocently and gently after a few moments.  
This time he erupted, but unlike me he was genuine.  
"What the hell was that about?!?" He demanded; I just giggled hysterically. He glared briefly at me before looking back to the road as he drove.  
"Oh c'mon, it's not as if you'll see him again is it?" I answered back through the giggles.

"Oh you'll be surprised Hollie..." He muttered before glaring again and his grip on the steering wheel got even tighter "That guy was my grandpa, who visits every other week..."

My eyes quickly bulged out.

"Oh..... Oh snap!"


	7. A Souvenir

To say that the car journey was "awkward" would be a complete understatement.  
It was silent.  
It was certainly full of regret.  
And it was EXTREMELY awkward.

Nick refused to speak, after informing me on who the old dude was. I don't blame him though to be honest. So I didn't even bother trying to communicate verbally – or physically for that matter, as much as I wanted to. The only sort of communication throughout the journey was the frequent glances at each other when the other wasn't looking. The only reason I knew was that I could occasionally feel his gaze on me when I wasn't looking.  
It seemed to drag for ages; eventually we turned the corner of my street. He kept his gaze straight ahead as he pulled up at the end of my drive. His knuckles were actually turning white from his strong grip on the steering wheel. I wasn't going to say anything as I got out, but I froze for a second when my hand reached the door handle.

"Nick," I whispered, catching his attention "I-I'm sorry about last night. It shouldn't have happ-"  
"I'm not." He interrupted. "There are many things in life that I'm sorry for, like flushing Kevin's iPhone down the toilet last week, or breaking the vase my mother got from her grandmom when I was 12. Last night wasn't one of those times Hollie."  
I looked up at his face, and saw he had turned to look directly at me. There was no evidence of regret in his eyes, just the hint of his tears wanting to escape.

And in that moment, I knew mine were exactly the same.

"You're pushing me out, when I wanted in. You _need_ to stop pushing me out Hollie..." He barely whispered – if I hadn't seen his lips moving, I probably wouldn't have known he was speaking.

We both just stared at each other for a minute, I was too scared and honestly didn't want to look away, but he turned to stare forwards once again.

"Goodbye..." was the last thing I whispered as I grudgingly got out of the car.

I didn't even turn back once as I walked up my drive. But I knew he had turned to look one last time before driving off. I felt the burning intensity of his gaze on my back.

-*5 Days Later*-  
  
Within seven days of _his _funeral, I was already being sent back to school by my mother. SEVEN days! The school had offered me up to the first three weeks off; mother decided five days was enough for me, just because I'd stopped crying about it. She had no idea how I felt, and she certainly didn't know what had happened with Nick. That's one thing my parents do not need to know quite yet; they think that I at least have some dignity and certain morals in my life.

So as I tried (and failed, might I add) to open my car door, whilst my hands are full of my school crap, I was certainly surprised by who happened to walk past my driveway. Not just one Jonas, but all 3 of them. One of the curly-haired guys caught my immediate attention: his should slumped, his gaze lowered to the ground, and walking slower than his brothers. I managed to finally open my car door, so I took a deep breath, dropped my stuff into the backseat and ran over to him, touching his arm gently when I caught up.

"Nick?"

All three of the brothers turned to look at me; Nick had to look twice to make sure his vision was correct.  
"Erm, can we, er, talk for a moment please?" I asked quietly.  
He glanced at both his brothers before nodding.  
"Dude, we'll meet you at school, 'kay?" Joe – the middle brother of the trio – muttered. He patted his younger brother on the shoulder and smiled at me, before he and Kevin carried on their way.

Nick just stood there awkwardly, with his shoulders were still slumped, and his gaze averted from myself, and his hands stuck into the pockets of his ridiculously-skinny jeans.  
"...You obviously don't wanna be here huh?" I asked, trying to ease the awkwardness and tension.  
He just glanced up at me with a blank expression on his face, and then looked back at his shoes again.  
"Look," I started again "can we just start all over again. Please?" This time when he looked up at me, he looked kind of... shocked I guess.

"You mean you want to forget all about what happened the other night, and for me not to mention it?" He asked quickly. His huskier-than-normal voice caught me by surprise though.  
"N-No. I'll never forget the night I lost my virginity Nick..." I stuttered, getting quieter towards the end of my sentence. I hadn't mentioned it to him before now.  
"...Wow..." I heard him gently mutter; he didn't say anything other than that. He just looked down one more.

"Is that it, 'Wow'?!" I snapped - I didn't mean to but his silence was seriously annoying me.

"What else do you want me to fucking say?" He asked, but cut me off quietly before I could argue "How about 'I lost my virginity also to you Hollie.'? You took – no, I willingly _gave_ you one of the most important things to me, to my religion. And what did you do? You asked to forget about it... you might as well just take this as a fucking souvenir!"

I watched in shock as he took a ring off of his wedding finger and hastily placed it into my own hand. I stared at the silver band for a few seconds, before I found my voice again.  
"Wh-What's this?"  
This time he didn't look up from the ground as he spoke.  
"My purity ring. I was going to wait until marriage, but y'know..." He trailed off, not needing to finish as we both knew full well what had happened.

Both of us stood in an awkward silence once again – me observing his ring in my hand whilst he stared at the ground still.  
"I should, er, get going I guess..." Nick whispered, slowly turning his back on me to walk away.  
"Wait." I spoke after him, stopping him in his tracks "Erm, I.... I -uh, I..." I took a deep breath to stop my stuttering, before starting again. "Erm, the least I could do is give you a lift to school...?"  
His expression stayed the same – empty – as he shook his head no.

"You need time to think. And so do I." he simply stated, before walking away; I hadn't had the chance to tell him the one thing I really needed to tell him.  
And I knew it would be pointless to chase after him now.


	8. Down Comes The Wall

If I had known that my appearance in the school corridors would still cause such a commotion, I would have skipped the past few days. I'd been back at school for 3 days, and the gossip was still going around. But I guess no one expects this level of bitchiness when the news gets around huh?  
The first thing I heard, when I accidentally slammed my car door and created more unwanted attention, was the one voice I completely hated with a passion.

Melanie Slyler – the girl who had hated me because Dougie chose me over her all those years ago.

"How can she show up here like that, so close Doug's death?!" She asked someone, presumably one of the other slutty girls she called 'friends'.  
"Does she not have the courtesy to grieve?"  
The second question wouldn't have hurt so much if it had been her voice that spoke it; it wasn't. It was from a voice I didn't even recognise, from the other direction. And as I got further and further down the corridors, I began to hear the same questions, hitting me repeatedly like daggers stabbing my gut.

_"Why is she here?"  
"How can she turn up here today?"  
"Should she be here?"  
"Is she over him already?"  
"Does she not care?"_It was completely ridiculous. I was trying my hardest not to listen to any of them, but I just couldn't help it. No one had actually come over directly to me until I got to my locker; there my best friend Miranda was waiting for me like she usually did.

"Hey girlie!!" She screeched, being strangely happy today for some reason. I just smiled meekly as she embraced me in a massive hug. Don't listen to everyone else's gossip hun, they're stupid dumbasses!" She whispered before letting me go.  
I smiled again at Mirs (my little nickname for her), before putting all my books and crap into my locker, and dragging her into our Chemistry class, where I luckily sit next to her.  
"How can I when everyone, including the teachers, are bitching and gossiping about me?!"

That surprisingly shut her up; which also meant that I heard Melanie again, loud and clear from the back of the classroom.

"She can't be that bothered by Dougie's death if she's here today, right? Anyone else would've had weeks off... I mean O.M.G, heartless cow or what?!"

A few of the other bitches surrounding her giggled hysterically at her comments, and I tried to keep the tears from escaping whilst keeping my gaze held on the board Mr Edwards - our teacher - was writing on. I tried and tried until my face ached. But then there was something in my peripheral vision which upset me further. I saw Nick slowly pick his head off his arms - which were crossed on the desktop – and glance over briefly, before lowering his head again. No sticking up for me, no nothing.

And this carried on throughout the lesson. Melanie kept bitching, I carried on bubbling inside and Nick carried on glancing every so often. It sucked ass; it was halfway through the lesson when Melanie just pushed me too far over the edge.

"She's a heartless bitch I guess, since she's here today instead of grieving. Show how much she really cared for him, huh? I would've..." She trailed off as she noticed me glaring straight in her direction. If I'm honest, I was secretly thinking what the punishment would be for decapitating someone using a Bunsen burner...  
But as soon as the others noticed the death-by-random-science-objects glares I threw at her, they also became silent. So it was me who broke the silence, despite the fact our chemistry teacher was still talking to the class.

"How dare you?! **How fucking dare you**?!" I shrieked "You actually have no right to comment on how I felt about Dougie, no one does. No one will ever, EVER, understand how I feel, especially a disrespectful whore like you!"

"**Miss Jenkins**!" Mr Edwards interrupted, stunning me to silence. Shit, I'd actually forgotten in the heat of the moment that I was in class still. So I didn't even give myself time to embarrass myself further, or for him to fill in the detention slip, because I did the one thing I do best.

I ran.

I ran through all the lab desks, but as I passed the desk nearest to the door, I noticed Nick sat there and the empty seat next to him.  
_His seat._  
I froze for a brief second - just staring at the empty seat – until the tears began to fall and I began to run once more.  
However I heard the excruciatingly high-pitched sound of a chair screeching across the floor; I figured it was just Mirs chasing after me.  
"That's detention for you both!" I also heard Mr E shout after us – I'd apologise to her for that later.  
So I kept running – God knows where – just letting my feet carry me to wherever they would go. Although I kept expecting her to catch up with me as she's usually faster than me, she never did. Huh. She must be giving me my space to think... or something.

I didn't have time to dwell on it though, because as I ran through the corridors, I came across out the main doors, and ran straight outside. It was raining. Typical. I began to slow down as I stepped out further and further into the heavy downpour; I couldn't hold anything back or protected anymore.

I felt the sharp sobs rip through both my ribcage and my throat, as they echoed around the empty grounds. I couldn't even tell the difference between the raindrops and my own tears. And as I felt my legs buckle beneath me, I was anticipating the pain of hitting the concrete below; I was surprised when I didn't hit it at all.  
I guess Mirs caught up with me.  
I seriously owe that girl so much, its unbe-  
"Hollie? Hollie, can you hear me?"  
It was a deeper voice than I expected to interrupt my thoughts, so unless her voice had dramatically broke since I was in the classroom, it could only be one person.

And they were the last person I wanted to deal with right now.

So I ignored him and tried to pull away from his grasp; having an emotional breakdown didn't make that a very easy task if I'm honest.

I tried pushing him away by pushing his chest away.  
He still held onto me.  
Instead I began hitting his chest pretty hard.  
His hands still stayed where they were.  
I began hitting harder on his chest.  
He just wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.  
I got harder and harder, until I was eventually using all the strength in me.  
His arms just tightened further around me.  
As I broke down more and more, my hits became weaker and weaker.

In the end I just gave in. My fists were killing me, yet he hadn't flinched once. So I stopped, and completely broke down in his arms once again, with my fists resting on his chest still. I had no more strength in me to fight back. So we both stood there, in the pouring rain. I was still sobbing me lungs out, so he was repeatedly trying to calm me down – in whispers despite no one else being around us. By now the boundary between my tears and the raindrops had completely disintegrated. As had the wall I'd built up, the one to protect myself from everyone.

"W-why doesn't anyone believe me?" I stuttered out, barely audible over the sound of the rain. "I am still grieving... I-I-I am..." I felt him place a quick kiss in the top of my head – another attempt to calm me – before he answered.  
"Hey, hey, I believe you. Miranda believes you."  
"B-But what about every-"  
"Hollie." He cut me off "Screw everyone else... not literally of course. But forget them! We'll look after you. We'll protect you."  
"But I-I..."  
"We **WILL** look after you. Trust me Hollie."

I gave in with a sigh, and just rested my head in the crook of his neck. I still had no fight left in me. After a few moments of standing there in his arms, he kissed the top of my head once more.  
"Come on, I'm driving you home." I stared up at him, feeling confused.  
"What about school? I don't want you getting in trouble because of me Nick."  
"Screw 'em." He simply quoted. "Now give me your keys so we can get out of this damn rain. You're obviously in no state to drive at all."

To be honest, I'd completely forgotten about the rain. So I dug the keys out of my jeans pocket, and handed them over. He wrapped his arms around me again in another hug; he didn't seem bothered at all about the downpour we were still in, despite what he's just said moments before.

Surprisingly, as he pulled away from the hug, he raised his hands and gently held them on each side of my face. Just as I was about to panic, I felt his thumbs brush over me cheeks. He was brushing away my tears. He flashed me a small smile as he brushed his thumbs over my cheeks a few more times; I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from his, as they bore down into my own. And I couldn't help but feebly smile back.  
"I can't tell what is tears and what is rain..." he whispered with a slight chuckle. I felt my eyelids flutter closed for a few seconds, as I began to relax under his touch. But when I opened them again, he still stared down at me like a child staring through a candy store window.  
It confused me.  
Yet I also noticed that he had a few raindrops that seemed to fall directly from his eyes – then it hit me, he was crying too.

Slowly his hands moved from my cheeks, but we still kept the bold eye contact as he wiped his own cheeks. It was me who broke it though, as I felt him lace his fingers through mine. I glanced down at our intertwined hands, as he began pulling me to my car.

However I did the opposite of what I would have normally done – I let him do so, and I genuinely smiled.


	9. Authors Note

Ah Howdy people's!! It's been a long time, huh?!

Sorry to interrupt the story, I forgot to add an Authors Note to the end of the last few chapters, and i cba to go through editing them aha!  
Well, I've not been updating on here for a while, because I've actually been posting this story on instead, as I seemed to get a better response on there, so i'm sorry if I've kept anyone waiting!  
*hides from angry peoples*

So yeah..... if there's anyone out there that I've kept waiting for yoooooonks, I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOORRYYYY!!!

So in return, I've updated 4 chapters. Yes, 4 CHAPTERS!!!  
:D  
*adds American accent* I hopes y'all enjoy 'em!

OH! I forgot to add, I don't own any lyrics I mention or whatever in this story, and they're not mine at all. Although the ones mentioned at the end of Can't Have You chapter is one of my fav songs by Jonas Brothers – Can't Have You (duh!) and I'd recommend listening to, even if you don't like the band! (:  
Loves to y'all!!  
x x x


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